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What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
They worship the ground you walk on...
What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A Self-Cleaning Coven
"I have the body of a god: Buddha"
A skeptic goes in to see a fortuneteller. "You are the father of 2 children," the
fortuneteller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!" says the man.
"That's what you think," says the fortuneteller.
They worship the ground you walk on...
What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A Self-Cleaning Coven
"I have the body of a god: Buddha"
A skeptic goes in to see a fortuneteller. "You are the father of 2 children," the
fortuneteller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!" says the man.
"That's what you think," says the fortuneteller.
| Isis, Isis, Ra, Ra, Ra BORN AGAIN and again and again ... If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to the garage make you a car? I'm marching to a different accordion Religion is for people afraid of going to Hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there. Something Wiccan This Way Comes! |
|
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives
Caution: Never drive faster than your angel can
Dog Is My Co-Pilot
(You need to have a dog sitting next to you for this to work well.)
I took a pain pill -- Why are you still here?
Its A Witch Thing ... You Wouldn’t Understand
I’ve Run Out Of Sick Days So I’m Calling in Dead
Jesus Loves You, But I’m His Favorite
The last time religion ruled, it was called the dark ages
The only problem with Baptists is they don’t hold them underwater long enough
... (Okay, this one is kinda nasty, but it did make me laugh)
Instead of Being Born Again Why Not Just Grow Up!
... (Okay. Sorry again. Sort of.)
Focus on your own damn family.
... (This one I’m not apologizing for.)
If Only Closed Minds Came with Closed Mouths
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter
667 Neighbor of the Beast
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
I Do Whatever My Rice Crispies Tell Me To Do
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me
Keep the Earth clean ... It’s not Uranus
Magic Happens
Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the Coven
Buckle Up! ... It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
Don’t believe everything you think
Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa
BEAM ME BACK-MERLIN!
Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal
... (So funny and yet so true.)
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Stop animal experimentation -- Use lawyers
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
I break for faeries, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, and other invisible creatures that only I
can see.
He who dies with the most love, wins.
. (Ahhh! That one’s not funny; it’s sweet.)
Caution: Never drive faster than your angel can
Dog Is My Co-Pilot
(You need to have a dog sitting next to you for this to work well.)
I took a pain pill -- Why are you still here?
Its A Witch Thing ... You Wouldn’t Understand
I’ve Run Out Of Sick Days So I’m Calling in Dead
Jesus Loves You, But I’m His Favorite
The last time religion ruled, it was called the dark ages
The only problem with Baptists is they don’t hold them underwater long enough
... (Okay, this one is kinda nasty, but it did make me laugh)
Instead of Being Born Again Why Not Just Grow Up!
... (Okay. Sorry again. Sort of.)
Focus on your own damn family.
... (This one I’m not apologizing for.)
If Only Closed Minds Came with Closed Mouths
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter
667 Neighbor of the Beast
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
I Do Whatever My Rice Crispies Tell Me To Do
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me
Keep the Earth clean ... It’s not Uranus
Magic Happens
Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the Coven
Buckle Up! ... It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
Don’t believe everything you think
Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa
BEAM ME BACK-MERLIN!
Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal
... (So funny and yet so true.)
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Stop animal experimentation -- Use lawyers
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
I break for faeries, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, and other invisible creatures that only I
can see.
He who dies with the most love, wins.
. (Ahhh! That one’s not funny; it’s sweet.)
|
Q. Ghandi walked barefoot his whole life, which created awful calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, making him frail. And, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
what?
A. A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
Q: What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?
A: A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He
wanted to transcend dental medication.
True story... Honest! The following is an actual entry in a cat's diary:
*Day 183 of my captivity...
*My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
*They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
*The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
*Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the
stairs.
*In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair -- must try this on their bed.
*Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware
of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed about what a
good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
*I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other
hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can
wait; it is only a matter of time...
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened
upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a
verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess's lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the
dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon
castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night as the Princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in
a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don't freaking think
so.”
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong lesson about the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he
breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." How did you
know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on
the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a
raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"
** And now for some questions you just have to wonder about:
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do psychics fall in love at second sight?
Is there another word for synonym?
If the police arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains ever popular?
Why is it that people who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to
share yours with them?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Shouldn’t it make you nervous that the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Is it still premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?
How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar
with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL'. White-robed people were kneeling
before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man
turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked ... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
A woman was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, and had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the
children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would
that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I were kind to animals and
gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she
asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into
Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Four cotton farmers were having a drink and a chat together. As often happens, the conversation
turned to religion, and soon the three younger farmers were arguing heatedly. Unable to resolve
their differences, they turned to Old Jim, the fourth man, who had been sitting quietly listening to
them.
"Old Jim," they asked, "which of these religions is the right one?"
Old Jim looked at them thoughtfully, pulled his chair closer and said, "Well boys, you know when
you take your cotton over to the cotton gin on the other side of the mountain there's three ways
you can go. You can go straight over the mountain, but that way's mighty steep, and dangerous
too. You can go up the east road, and that's the shortest, but it's rougher'n tarnation. Or you can
take the road that goes right round, and it's the gentlest and smoothest road you can hope for
but it's the longest so you'll have to allow more time to get there.
"But when you get to the cotton gin, the man don't ask you which way you came, he just says,
'Man, how good's your cotton?' "
very little, making him frail. And, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
what?
A. A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
Q: What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?
A: A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He
wanted to transcend dental medication.
True story... Honest! The following is an actual entry in a cat's diary:
*Day 183 of my captivity...
*My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
*They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
*The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from
ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
*Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the
stairs.
*In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair -- must try this on their bed.
*Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware
of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed about what a
good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
*I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other
hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can
wait; it is only a matter of time...
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened
upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a
verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess's lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the
dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon
castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night as the Princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in
a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don't freaking think
so.”
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong lesson about the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he
breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." How did you
know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on
the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a
raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"
** And now for some questions you just have to wonder about:
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do psychics fall in love at second sight?
Is there another word for synonym?
If the police arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains ever popular?
Why is it that people who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to
share yours with them?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Shouldn’t it make you nervous that the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Is it still premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?
How can you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar
with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL'. White-robed people were kneeling
before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man
turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked ... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
A woman was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, and had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the
children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would
that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now she was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I were kind to animals and
gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she
asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into
Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Four cotton farmers were having a drink and a chat together. As often happens, the conversation
turned to religion, and soon the three younger farmers were arguing heatedly. Unable to resolve
their differences, they turned to Old Jim, the fourth man, who had been sitting quietly listening to
them.
"Old Jim," they asked, "which of these religions is the right one?"
Old Jim looked at them thoughtfully, pulled his chair closer and said, "Well boys, you know when
you take your cotton over to the cotton gin on the other side of the mountain there's three ways
you can go. You can go straight over the mountain, but that way's mighty steep, and dangerous
too. You can go up the east road, and that's the shortest, but it's rougher'n tarnation. Or you can
take the road that goes right round, and it's the gentlest and smoothest road you can hope for
but it's the longest so you'll have to allow more time to get there.
"But when you get to the cotton gin, the man don't ask you which way you came, he just says,
'Man, how good's your cotton?' "
|
10 Ways to Piss off a Witch (Author Unknown)
1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2. Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3. Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4. Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5. Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6. Witness to them about the "true religion".
7. Untie the knots in their cord.
8. Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9. Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2. Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3. Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4. Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5. Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6. Witness to them about the "true religion".
7. Untie the knots in their cord.
8. Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9. Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
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